Author Robin Emmerich On How To Learn To Finally Love Yourself

Setting Boundaries: I’ve learned the importance of setting healthy boundaries to protect my time and energy. By saying no to excessive work commitments, I’ve created space for self-care and quality time with loved ones. This balance enhances my overall well-being and ensures that I’m not pouring from an empty cup.

As a part of our series about “How To Learn To Finally Love Yourself” we had the pleasure to interview Robin Emmerich.

Robin Emmerich, D.PSc., is a highly trained and certified expert in the subconscious mind, having received her training from the renowned psychologist Dr. Coletta Long. She has also completed the esteemed ‘Creativity in Business’ course at Stanford University, taught by Dr. Michael Ray. Robin’s personal journey and extensive professional knowledge have equipped her with a unique methodology to help individuals uncover their true desires and live a deeply fulfilling life. She’s gained recognition in various arenas including Inc Media’s first-ever invitee for ‘Ask Me Anything in Health and Wellness,’ the inaugural Career Coach for Bumble Bizz, Austin Under 40 Awards 2019 ‘Mentor of the Year’ finalist, and most recently launched her book, Love the Mess, which quickly soared to the number one spot on the Amazon bestseller lists for both Death & Grief and Creativity Self-Help categories.

Thank you so much for joining us! I’d love to begin by asking you to give us the backstory as to what brought you to this specific career path.

Thank you for having me! Yes, my journey into relationship coaching began just before high school graduation when my father was diagnosed with cancer. Despite the cancer being 97% curable, he passed away within a year. I was devastated and found myself in a state of shock and grief, which diverted my plans of becoming a psychologist. I chose to pursue a business degree instead, opting for the path of least resistance. I entered the business world and climbed the corporate ladder.

However, ten years later, a series of events, including a car accident and an attempted break-in at my home, triggered the surfacing of the buried grief from losing my father. This realization led me down a path of helping others uncover their emotions and transform life experiences that hold them back, particularly in their relationships.

I found that many people, like myself, carry unresolved emotions that impact their ability to connect deeply and authentically with others. Through my own healing journey, I discovered the power of addressing these emotions and reprogramming our subconscious patterns to create fulfilling and loving relationships. I’ve been so honored to experience life at a whole new level. My mission is to guide others in navigating their own emotional landscapes, helping them to attract and nurture the love they truly desire!

Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you hope that they might help people along their path to self-understanding or a better sense of wellbeing in their relationships?

Yes, I’m excited to share my new free webinar, “3 Keys to Transform Your Love Life!” This transformative experience will provide the tools and insights needed to create fulfilling, loving relationships and empower women to take charge of their emotional wellbeing.

Do you have a personal story that you can share with our readers about your struggles or successes along your journey of self-understanding and self-love? Was there ever a tipping point that triggered a change regarding your feelings of self acceptance?

Absolutely, I do! For much of my life, I grappled with whether to leave or stay in my relationships until I stumbled upon a transformative perspective. I realized that our thoughts about others are a mirror of how we see ourselves. Embracing this truth allowed me to interact with more empathy, shedding fear-based actions like control.

Balancing my inner world with my external reality was a monumental challenge. The mirror of life reflected my inner chaos and dissatisfaction. My harsh judgments of others were clear signs of my inability to love myself. This realization was a profound wake-up call.

For the longest time, I believed I wasn’t ready for love until I achieved a certain level of success. My mind was plagued with doubts: “Can I really have it all?” These thoughts trapped me in a cycle of fear and self-sabotage. The turning point came when I began doing the inner work and reflecting on what I truly wanted. I wrote down my desires for a relationship and challenged the negative stories my subconscious had created. Aligning my mind and heart, I realized my heart was brimming with love, but my mind kept shouting that I would never be enough.

With newfound clarity, I decided to open my heart fully. Soon after, I met someone who mirrored everything I desired in a relationship. I discovered that I could pursue love and personal growth simultaneously. Life wasn’t an either/or situation; it was a harmonious blend of both.

However, I had to confront the deep-seated fear of loss stemming from my father’s sudden death. Love had equaled loss for me. By examining my past relationships, I saw how I had disempowered myself. This new relationship shifted my perspective completely.

As I released my fears and embraced my true self, I began to see past events differently, freeing myself from limitations. This inner transformation brought deeper connections and more fulfilling relationships into my life. Now, I approach each day with an open heart, free from past fears. The journey to love is ongoing, filled with growth, compassion, and endless possibilities. I’ve discovered the beauty of embracing love with an open heart and an empowered spirit because, in truth, we only have today.

This story has been a powerful reminder that self-love and self-acceptance are the foundations for any meaningful relationship. When you align your mind and heart, you unlock the potential for profound personal and relational transformation.

According to a recent study cited in Cosmopolitan, in the US, only about 28 percent of men and 26 percent of women are “very satisfied with their appearance.” Could you talk about what some of the causes might be, as well as the consequences?

These statistics reflect a deeper issue in our society. The dissatisfaction with appearance is largely driven by media influence and societal beauty standards. Constant exposure to idealized images in media creates unrealistic expectations, leading to feelings of inadequacy. Societal pressure to conform to specific beauty norms reinforces the belief that our value is linked to our physical appearance.

The consequences are significant. On a personal level, dissatisfaction with appearance leads to self-criticism and low self-esteem, which can affect relationships and mental health. This can result in anxiety, depression, and unhealthy behaviors like disordered eating.

To address these issues, we need to shift our focus from external standards of beauty to internal self-worth. Embracing self-love and acceptance is key. Promoting diverse representations of beauty and encouraging open conversations about body image our intrinsic worth beyond physical appearance leads to healthier, happier lives and relationships.

To some, the concept of learning to truly understand and “love yourself,” may seem like a cheesy or trite concept. But it is not. Can you share with our readers a few reasons why learning to love yourself it’s truly so important?

Absolutely, the idea of self-love might seem clichéd to some, but it’s actually a foundational element of a healthy, fulfilling life. Here are a few reasons why learning to love yourself is so important:

Foundation for Healthy Relationships: When you love yourself, you set a standard for how others should treat you. Self-love helps you establish healthy boundaries and attract relationships that are respectful, supportive, and loving. It’s difficult to truly connect with others if you don’t have a strong connection with yourself first.

Emotional Resilience: Loving yourself equips you with the resilience to face life’s challenges. It fosters a sense of inner strength and self-worth that helps you navigate difficulties without being overwhelmed by self-doubt or negative self-talk. This resilience is crucial for overcoming setbacks and growing from experiences.

Authentic Living: Self-love encourages you to embrace your true self, rather than conforming to external expectations. It allows you to live authentically and pursue what genuinely makes you happy. When you love yourself, you give yourself permission to follow your passions and dreams, leading to a more fulfilling and purposeful life.

Self-love is not about being self-centered or narcissistic; it’s about valuing yourself enough to take care of your needs, set boundaries, and live authentically. It’s the foundation upon which all other aspects of a healthy, balanced life are built. Embracing self-love can transform your life, enhancing your relationships, emotional well-being, and overall happiness.

Why do you think people stay in mediocre relationships? What advice would you give to our readers regarding this?

People often stay in mediocre relationships because of fear and uncertainty. One major factor is the fear of being alone. The prospect of solitude can be daunting, leading people to settle for relationships that don’t fulfill them simply to avoid loneliness.

Another reason is the fear of the unknown. Change can be intimidating, and leaving a familiar relationship, even if it’s not fulfilling, can seem overwhelming. People often prefer the comfort of familiarity over the uncertainty of what comes next.

Low self-esteem also plays a significant role. When individuals don’t fully love or value themselves, they may believe they don’t deserve anything better. This mindset can trap them in relationships that do not reflect their true worth or potential.

My advice to readers is to first cultivate a deep sense of self-love and self-worth. Understand that you deserve a relationship that brings joy, support, and growth. Evaluate your relationship honestly: does it make you feel valued, loved, and respected? If not, consider whether it’s serving your highest good.

Don’t be afraid of change. Growth often requires stepping out of your comfort zone and embracing the unknown. Trust that by honoring yourself and your needs, you’re paving the way for a relationship that truly aligns with your values and aspirations.

Lastly, seek support if needed. Talking to a coach or therapist can provide clarity and guidance as you navigate these decisions. Remember, a fulfilling relationship starts with a healthy relationship with yourself. When you honor and love yourself, you set the stage for a partnership that reflects that same respect and love.

When I talk about self-love and understanding I don’t necessarily mean blindly loving and accepting ourselves the way we are. Many times self-understanding requires us to reflect and ask ourselves the tough questions, to realize perhaps where we need to make changes in ourselves to be better not only for ourselves but our relationships. What are some of those tough questions that will cut through the safe space of comfort we like to maintain, that our readers might want to ask themselves? Can you share an example of a time that you had to reflect and realize how you needed to make changes?

Yes, self-love is not about complacency or ignoring areas for growth. It’s about embracing all parts of ourselves and being willing to do the inner work necessary for true transformation. Here are some tough questions that can help cut through the comfort and lead to deeper self-understanding:

1. What are my deepest fears, and how are they affecting my relationships?

2. In what ways am I not showing up as my authentic self?

3. How do I react when faced with criticism or conflict, and what does that say about my inner state?

4. Am I holding onto past hurts, and how is that impacting my present relationships?

5. What beliefs do I have about myself that might be limiting my potential for growth and happiness?

These questions can be challenging because they force us to look beyond the surface and confront aspects of ourselves that we might prefer to ignore. However, this reflection is crucial for genuine growth and self-improvement.

As I mentioned for many years, I struggled with the idea that I wasn’t ready for love until I reached a certain level of personal success. This belief was deeply ingrained and kept me from fully opening my heart. I was constantly asking myself, “Am I good enough?” and “Will someone love me despite my flaws?”

The turning point came when I started doing the inner work and asked myself, “Why do I believe I’m not worthy of love as I am right now?” This question led me to realize that my fear of rejection was rooted in the unresolved grief from my father’s sudden death. I had equated love with loss and had built walls to protect myself from that pain.

Through reflection and inner work, I challenged these beliefs and began to see my worth beyond my accomplishments. I learned to embrace my vulnerabilities and opened my heart to love. This shift allowed me to attract and nurture a relationship that was deeply fulfilling and aligned with my true self.

Self-love and understanding are about being honest with ourselves and willing to make the necessary changes. It’s a continuous journey of growth and self-discovery, and it starts with asking the right questions and being brave enough to face the answers.

So many don’t really know how to be alone, or are afraid of it. How important is it for us to have, and practice, that capacity to truly be with ourselves and be alone (literally or metaphorically)?

The ability to be alone, both literally and metaphorically, is absolutely crucial for our personal growth and overall well-being. Embracing solitude allows us to connect deeply with ourselves, understand our true desires, and cultivate self-love.

When we fear being alone, we often make choices based on that fear rather than our genuine needs and desires. This can lead to staying in unfulfilling relationships, constantly seeking external validation, and ignoring our inner voice. Learning to be alone helps us break free from these patterns and fosters a sense of self-reliance and inner peace.

Here’s why practicing the capacity to be alone is essential:

Self-Discovery: Solitude gives us the space to reflect and gain insights into who we are. It allows us to understand our strengths, weaknesses, and what truly makes us happy. This self-awareness is crucial for making authentic choices in life and relationships.

Emotional Resilience: When we learn to be alone, we build emotional resilience. We become more capable of handling life’s challenges without relying on others for our sense of security or happiness. This inner strength helps us navigate difficult times with grace and confidence.

Healthy Relationships: Being comfortable with ourselves enables us to enter relationships from a place of wholeness rather than neediness. We can appreciate our partners without depending on them to fill voids within us. This leads to healthier, more balanced relationships.

Creativity and Growth: Solitude can be a powerful catalyst for creativity and personal growth. When we spend time alone, we can tap into our inner thoughts and ideas without external distractions. This can lead to new insights, inspiration, and a deeper understanding of our passions.

How does achieving a certain level of self-understanding and self-love then affect your ability to connect with and deepen your relationships with others?

Achieving a deep level of self-understanding and self-love profoundly transforms our relationships. When we truly understand and love ourselves, we set healthy boundaries, communicate more effectively, and approach relationships from a place of wholeness rather than neediness. This self-assuredness allows us to be more empathetic and compassionate towards others, creating a safe and nurturing space for deep connections to flourish.

When you love yourself, you’re no longer seeking validation from others; instead, you bring your authentic self into every interaction. This authenticity attracts genuine connections and fosters trust. You become more present and attentive, which deepens the emotional bonds with those around you.It also equips you with the resilience to handle conflicts constructively. You approach disagreements with a calm, open heart, focusing on resolution rather than blame. This mindset shift leads to healthier, more supportive relationships where both parties feel valued and understood.

In your experience, what should a) individuals and b) society, do to help people better understand themselves and accept themselves?

Individuals: Must prioritize self-reflection and personal growth. Practices like journaling, meditation, and seeking therapy or coaching are transformative. Challenge those negative self-beliefs and replace them with affirmations of your true worth. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, as they enhance self-understanding and acceptance. Remember, the journey to self-love begins with intentional steps towards knowing and valuing yourself.

Society: Needs to embrace and promote diverse representations of beauty, success, and happiness. Our educational systems should integrate emotional intelligence and self-awareness into their curriculum.

We must encourage open conversations about mental health and self-acceptance to reduce stigma and create a supportive community. By fostering environments where people feel seen and valued, we can collectively uplift each other towards greater self-understanding and acceptance.

When individuals and society work together to prioritize self-worth and emotional well-being, we create a world where everyone feels empowered to be their authentic selves.

Here is the main question of our discussion. What are 5 strategies that you implement to maintain your connection with and love for yourself, that our readers might learn from? Could you please give a story or example for each?

Absolutely! Maintaining a deep connection with and love for myself is essential for my well-being and the quality of my relationships. Here are five strategies that I use, which can be incredibly transformative:

1. Daily Journaling: Every morning, I journal my thoughts and feelings. This practice helps me process emotions and gain clarity. For instance, when I felt overwhelmed by work, journaling helped me pinpoint the root cause of my stress and brainstorm solutions. It’s like having a heart-to-heart with yourself every day.

2. Mindful Meditation: Meditation is my sanctuary. It allows me to center myself and connect with my inner peace. During a particularly challenging period, meditating daily kept me grounded and focused, enabling me to navigate difficulties with calm and resilience. It’s amazing how just a few minutes of mindfulness can transform your entire day.

3. Self-Compassion Practices: I practice self-compassion by speaking kindly to myself and forgiving my mistakes. When I failed to meet a professional goal, rather than engaging in harsh self-criticism, I reminded myself of my progress and learned from the experience. Self-compassion turns setbacks into stepping stones.

4. Pursuing Passions: Engaging in activities I love, like painting and hiking, keeps me connected to my authentic self. These pursuits bring immense joy and fulfillment, reminding me to nurture my interests. For example, painting allows me to express my creativity and find solace, which recharges my spirit.

5. Setting Boundaries: I’ve learned the importance of setting healthy boundaries to protect my time and energy. By saying no to excessive work commitments, I’ve created space for self-care and quality time with loved ones. This balance enhances my overall well-being and ensures that I’m not pouring from an empty cup.

Embracing these practices has profoundly impacted my life. They help me stay connected to my true self, foster self-love, and ensure that I approach life with clarity, compassion, and joy. Remember, the relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for all other relationships in your life

What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources for self-psychology, intimacy, or relationships? What do you love about each one and how does it resonate with you?

I have a few favorites that have profoundly impacted my understanding of self-psychology, intimacy, and relationships.

Books:

• Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller: This book offers invaluable insights into attachment styles and their impact on our relationships. Understanding these dynamics has been crucial for me and my clients in improving relational connections and fostering healthier relationships. It’s a must-read for anyone looking to deepen their relationship knowledge.
• Your Brain on Love by Stan Tatkin: This book combines neuroscience and attachment theory to explain how our brains are wired for love and connection. It provides practical strategies for building and maintaining healthy, secure relationships. I love how it merges scientific insights with real-world applications, making it both informative and actionable.

Podcasts:

• The School of Greatness by Lewis Howes: Lewis Howes brings incredible guests who share their journeys and wisdom on personal growth, relationships, and achieving greatness. Each episode is packed with actionable insights that resonate with my commitment to continuous self-improvement and authentic living.
• The Brain Warrior’s Way Podcast with Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen: Dr. Amen’s podcast delves into the brain’s role in our behavior, relationships, and overall well-being. His approach to understanding and improving brain health has greatly influenced my perspective on self-psychology and intimacy. The practical advice and scientific backing make it a standout resource for anyone looking to enhance their mental and relational health.

These resources have been instrumental in my journey and continue to inspire me daily. They offer a wealth of knowledge and perspectives that help us navigate the complexities of self-psychology, intimacy, and relationships.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? Maybe we’ll inspire our readers to start it…

Definitely a movement focused on teaching emotional intelligence and self-love from a young age! Imagine a world where children are equipped with the tools to understand and manage their emotions, foster healthy relationships, and cultivate a strong sense of self-worth. This movement would promote mental health, empathy, and compassion, creating a more connected and loving society.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote” that you use to guide yourself by?
Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life and how our readers might learn to live by it in theirs?

Yes, of course! My favorite life lesson quote is from my book Love the Mess: “Regardless of what information we may uncover, the knowledge is already within us, and if we listen to the inner guidance we can hear the truth that resonates with us and separate it from what does not.” This quote reminds me that true wisdom comes from within. By trusting our inner voice, we can navigate life’s challenges with clarity and confidence.

There was a time when I was terrified of being alone, constantly seeking company and distractions to avoid facing my inner turmoil. Embracing solitude was the key to my healing and self-understanding. I began journaling, meditating, and sitting in silence, listening to my inner voice. These practices helped me uncover my true desires and cultivate a deep sense of self-love.

Learning to be alone is a journey and it can feel uncomfortable at first. Start by setting aside time for self-reflection and activities that nurture your soul. Embrace the silence and listen to your inner voice. Over time, you’ll find that solitude is not something to fear but a powerful tool for personal growth and self-discovery.

The relationship you have with yourself sets the foundation for all other relationships in your life. By practicing the capacity to be alone, you create a strong, loving connection with yourself, enhancing every aspect of your life. Trust that the wisdom within you will guide you to the truth and help you navigate life’s challenges with clarity and confidence.

Thank you so much for your time and for your inspiring insights!

Thank you so much! I’d love to connect on Instagram @robin_emmerich or email me at robin@robinemmerich.com if you are interested in joining my upcoming free webinar!